Male Fears Part 2: “You Will Go Back To Him” By Amaru Wilcox (@MrAmaru)


By Amaru Wilcox

“Him”, may not even exist. However, there’s a fear within us that you will go back to “him”.

Let me explain…

Ladies, you know what lays in the back of our mind is this dormant fear or feeling that you can do better than us. Especially in the infancy of the relationship when you are looking to establish and build your bond and future legacy with your current lady. Sometimes there is that thought that you’ll return to an old flame who is still somehow in the picture, maybe its your so called ‘Friend’ who may have been more at some point than strictly plutonic, or maybe that guy you always considered but he wasn’t mature or ready then, but now he is.

As a man, we subconsciously do a S.W.O.T analysis (Strengths, Weakness, Opportunity, Threats) of all your past/present & future associations with other men. We are always on the look out for that next potential threat. Will it be your co-worker? The ex-boyfriend you still talk to? That one friend who always kept his emotions at bay, or the suave tongued twitter talker lol.

Sounds like insecurity, right? and we know this is not an attractive trait for a woman to see in her man so we may mask it but it can start to be the cause of indirect arguments and tension if we do not deal with this at the root.

But why are we so fearful of a guy who isn’t even relevant? It is because of this rumoured fact, most of the time ladies already have their back up guy in the picture whilst concurrently keeping us the “main” guy in the frame. In some instances its that real, and let’s not deny that we haven’t ever heard of such happenings before or had someone close to us in this mind-numbing situation. Furthermore, let’s analyse our past break-ups and subsequent future relationships and see if there was an overlap after the initial break-up. Think about it, did you find/know your future man while dating your ex man?

For some guys it can be unnerving being in a relationship when your girlfriend continues to have strong male “friendships” that may be a future threat to your status as the number one. The whole “you should trust me” talk feels meaningless because you’re feeling that your power base is gradually being eroded. As men, territorial creatures, we’d rather you remove that threat but is that us being mature or totally insecure?

I guess what I’m saying is, the way we structure our relationships can create fear and paranoia.

In fact, two personal experiences I had made me recount that “you’ll go back to him” feeling: When I was in college, I was dating a girl in the same college (that failed for three reasons), she didn’t make me aware that 1) her ex was also attending our college, 2) that the both of them still communicated, and 3) she felt that those two crucial points were irrelevant to mention whilst we were getting together.

Now, there could have been a chance for me to be cool and act like “it’s nothing, I’m with her now”, had she let me know. However, she didn’t,  and the whole set up made me feel uneasy and uncomfortable. I have never been a fan of someone deciding what is good for me to know or not know without me having the option of knowing lol, if that makes sense. Let me make my own decisions.

The second time I encountered this paradigm was when I entered a relationship with a lady whose previous relationship had lasted four long years. I’ll be honest; it was like living in the shadow of a mountain. In the back of my mind I kept thinking, “she will go back to him. They’ve got more of history, they’ve been through more, and they’ve had a life together. They live in the same area.”

I lived in South London and she lived in north. I was 19 and she was 18 – and her ex had dated her from 14-18. Those are crucial years for anyone of us developing from a child into a young adult. Initially i did not care about her ex as it was done between them. BUT, one day that changed. She asked me how i would feel if her and the ex were to be ‘friends’ – HUUUUUUUUH!!!!

He had tried to get in contact with her and wanted to be her ‘friend’ – so she wanted to know my feelings on this… i kept it true to the G-Code and said it is up to you about what you want to do in regards to that, you know, give her the autonomy. Her reply, ‘it wouldn’t hurt trying to be his friend’ – Lets just say at that point i got my prideful pen and put the writing on the wall.

Let me not ramble on any further…I’ll part with these words “It’s tough emotionally investing in someone to end up being emotionally bankrupt. That is a fearful paradigm.”

Will you go back to him??

Read Male Fears Part 1 Here

Read Male Fears Part 3 Here

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